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ISSUE 118 VOL 2 PUBLISHED 9/24/2004

The logistics of it all

By Jennifer Hancock
Contributing Writers

Friday, September 24, 2004

Sometimes I wonder how sex can even happen on the Hill at all. Roommates, bunk beds and sheer lack of privacy get in the way of on-campus copulation. However, all of the students living on campus are not sexually frustrated. Those determined to get some are able to find creative ways to circumnavigate the many barriers and discover sexual satisfaction on the Hill.

The first barrier to good sex on the St. Olaf campus is the much talked about lack of a dating scene. A sexual relationship is hard to begin when you can't even get a date. A casual date is a big risk in such a small community. What if the date goes badly? The campus is so small that you cannot avoid Mr. or Ms. Bad Date. In fact, you can guarantee you will see them everywhere. Thus, many students avoid dating altogether or jump into long-term monogamous relationships. But say two students take the plunge, start a relationship, and decide to have sex. Given the setup of living conditions on-campus, they may find it difficult to actually consummate the relationship.

Those pesky little things known as roommates tend to put the kibosh on any possibility of regular sexual activity. Nighttime rendezvous must be kept to a minimum because even the most tolerant roommate likes to sleep in his/her own bed. Indeed, nobody actually enjoys being sexiled, and if anyone finds themselves in this unfortunate position, they never fail to tell every friend in the residence hall about their sad situation in order to elicit pity.

Thus, a considerate and discreet student looking for action must learn their roommate's schedule and plan intimate encounters around it, often in the afternoons or mornings when their roommate is in class. Life on campus requires students to discard the notion that sex is an evening activity, and this realization has concrete advantages. It cannot be denied that some people are morning or afternoon people, and their sex lives can only benefit from the energy they bring to sexual encounters at these times of day. Learning to have sex during "off-hours" is a skill that can benefit one's sex life forever.

But, whether you are having sex in the morning, afternoon or evening, the beds on campus are rather horrific. They are built for students to fall into all alone after a hard night of & studying. One might venture to say the beds are built to prevent sex. They are small, hard, creaky and often suspended five feet in the air. Couples risk concussions as heads bash ceilings. In a particularly frisky love-making session, they risk broken bones as bodies roll over the edge of bunk beds. Having sex in a lofted or bunked bed is definitely a health risk. Unfortunately, students risking such aerial copulation will find that having sex in a lofted bed does not qualify them for the Mile High Club.

However, sex in St. Olaf beds has its benefits. Little beds foster intimacy. A couple must learn to sleep together in the closest of quarters in order to spend the night together at St. Olaf. They must learn the nuances of their partners sleep habits and work around them. It seems that snuggling, cuddling and spooning all night long is only pleasurable when one is young and in love so we should relish the "opportunity" for intimacy presented by the beds on campus while our time here lasts. Too soon we will all be old, fat snorers.

For example, I know a couple in their thirties who, like many middle-class couples, has the pleasure of sleeping in a king-sized bed, but the nights they remember with the greatest fondness are the nights before they were married, in college, when they sometimes spooned the night away in a tiny twin bed. Now such a feat seems impossible. The husband snores, and both partners are, well, bigger. A twin bed would be an incredibly tight, uncomfortable fit.

So while we are smaller, younger and more forgiving we must enjoy afternoon sex in our little beds suspended so high in the air. Who knows, before long we might find ourselves in the real world having sex only at night and falling asleep on our own side of a king size bed without touching at all.

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