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ISSUE 118 VOL 4 PUBLISHED 10/8/2004

The perfect house party: myth or legend?

By Kelly Wilson
Staff Writer

Friday, October 8, 2004

Do you think you know how to throw the house party to end all house parties? The kind of party where guests wake up the morning after wearing somebody else's clothes, with mysterious bruises, a tattoo on their chest that says "Bryce forever" and no recollection of what happened the night before, except that it was awesome?

Im here to tell you that you don't. Not only do your house parties probably blow, but you probably wouldn't even know how to throw a wild party if it hit you on your party beverage dispensing helmet. So turn down that lame techno music and listen up to find out what to do and what not to do when throwing the ultimate house party.

Who to Invite: The classic party animals. Party animals are essential to make a house party clutch. They liven-up the party with their unpredictable, insane antics. You never know what to expect when you're around a party animal. Will he strip and run around the party screaming "Viva la Revolution!" while waving a Puerto Rican flag? Will he stun the crowd with his inebriated acrobatics as he swings from the light fixture? Will he break through a closed window & again? Who knows? He's crazy!

The regulars. These are the chill, laid-back party-goers who sit on the sketchy plaid couches, blink their glazed eyes and watch the debauchery go down around them. They don't actually talk or contribute any excitement to the party whatsoever. They're just fillers to maximize post-party buzz. But don't worry about shooting them an invite; they're bound to show up anyway.

Sketchy dudes. There are some at every good party; they make it more interesting. With greasy hair, shifty eyes and shady morals, the sketchy dude will no doubt add an element of danger and intrigue to any party. Proceed with caution: too many sketchy dudes, and your house party will turn into an all out five-finger discount extravaganza.

Stay away from: Nerds. They'll only make the party lame and uncool with their superior mathematical knowledge and creepy Star Trek obsessions. Geeks, dorks and dweebs: don't even try.

How to Prepare: Don't clean the house beforehand. Designate specific party zones and allow them to shine in their primitive glory. Plastic crates for extra seating, chipped paint on the walls and peeling NASCAR posters all add to the dingy, seedy atmosphere that only the best parties offer. Hide your valuables. With more than two hundred people in your house, the chances that some of them struggle with kleptomania are pretty good. To prevent theft, remove small electronics, jewelry and wads of cash from plain view. Lock all necessary items in a safe. Store the safe in a closet or crawl space.

Dress to impress: Colorful ponchos, cowboy hats, even togas -- no, especially togas -- are all acceptable forms of attire. Solveig Voelker '07, party connoisseur, contributed her party wardrobe wisdom: "'Sponge Bob Square Pants' pajamas are a total conversation starter. And if you can pair them with matching slippers, you're a shoo-in." For God's sake, stock the bathroom with endless bounties of toilet paper. Normally clean, hygienic people faced with the absence of toilet paper turn into panicked, disgusting slobs. There's no telling what kind of stains you'll have on your towels and curtains if you don't have a fully equipped bathroom.

If your budget is really big: try to book some fire jugglers and court jesters for extra entertainment. Your guests will be amazed, and you will immediately be catapulted to pimp status.

During the Party: Serve malted refreshments. Everyone enjoys their light crisp taste, and if spilled upon carpet, furniture or clothing, their staining power is minimal. (Arm yourself with a spray-on fabric stain remover and a rag, just in case.) Small cups of Jello are also tasty and delicious hors d'oeuvres for any hungry party goer. Also, keep the lights relatively bright. This will protect against accidents and lawsuits that might be filed due to guest injury. Select music to please a broad audience. Choose mainly from the hip-hop and classic rock realms. Some tried and true examples are Notorious B.I.G.'s Hypnotize and Bon Jovi's Living on a Prayer. Playing country or oldies gives people license to mock the pants off you for your lame taste in music for the rest of your college career. Stay away from: encouraging aggressive behavior and violent PDA. If you do, you will find senseless fights breaking out and random hook-ups happening all over your house. Discourage these acts immediately. Following these few simple guidelines ensures a blowout, that people will be talking about for months afterwards, and ensures your reputation as the host with the most. But, just in case your party fails miserably, don't waste a perfectly decent night. Head out and go to the crazy party down the street.

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