Then you have to consider how candidates compare to the last president, because presidents are like cars: When you trade in, you trade up.
To fill the shoes of a man like Christopher M. Thomforde, you have to place a special order. To continue choosing quality NBA executives, I have selected ex-Houston Rockets superstar Charles Barkley in the first round of the St. Olaf College presidential draft.
In addition to being a member of the Olympic Dream Team, Barkley also achieved international renown when he saved Tokyo from Godzilla in 1992. Such a hero could be a real boost to St. Olaf Colleges national image, much as Jesse Ventura was for Minnesota and as Arnold Schwarzenegger is for California. Wait a minute, wow, Im not sure that Mr. Barkley is ELCA-certified. In that case, we may have to forgo the NBA theme.
But another shrewd presidential selection would be Albert Gore, the 45th vice president and a man who was once the next president of the United States. He is also rich and influential, and since he turned down Harvards presidential bid, he is now a free agent in the presidential draft. Mr. Gore would suit St. Olaf College well, being a devout born-again Christian and a Baptist of impeccable oh never mind.
Well, if we cant beat the religious connection, we may as well join it. The most prominent Lutheran I know other than Martin Luther himself is former Saturday Night Live member and Waynes World star Dana Carvey. Carvey is a shrewd businessman, starting from humble Montana roots to gain international stardom. His religious side shines through in his role as the Church Lady, a position he would most assuredly resume upon the acceptance of a Lutheran presidential post. Mmm, Satan? Ha, kills me every time.
But wait, Steve Jobs is Lutheran! Oh, talk about rich and powerful, this guys taking over. We could get every St. Olaf student a reduced rate on Apple products and maybe they would quit stealing each others iPods. We could finally connect the campus wirelessly and give every student a complimentary armband so we could all look extra cool running around the track down at Tostrud.
Or, oh my gosh, John Woo, John Woo is Lutheran too! We could get high profile actors to visit St. Olaf, speaking on behalf of things we care about such as social justice and sustainability, and getting their opinions on politics and the war in Iraq, tactics which worked wonders for the Democrats in 2004.
Ooh-ooh, or John Cougar Mellencamp! Those songs Jack and Diane and Small Town are so good.
Come to think of it, I have no idea who our next president should be. I liked Jesse Jacksons speech a lot. Jesse Jackson should be our next president. Baptist, Lutheran, close enough, right? Well just update the corporate charter to ELBA membership, and Al Gore can be Jesses vice president. Im sure hed like that.
Staff writer Jared Wall is a senior from Sioux Falls, S.D. He majors in English with a concentration in Middle East studies.