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ISSUE 119 VOL 8 PUBLISHED 11/11/2005

Filling very big shoes

By Jared Wall
Staff Writer


Friday, November 11, 2005

Who in tarnation is St. Olaf College going to hire as our next president? There are many important issues to consider when picking a president, like fund-raising savvy, fiscal savoir-faire, environmental concernedness, a distinct religious affiliation, and gosh darn it, he or she has to be likable.

Then you have to consider how candidates compare to the last president, because presidents are like cars: When you trade in, you trade up.

To fill the shoes of a man like Christopher M. Thomforde, you have to place a special order. To continue choosing quality NBA executives, I have selected ex-Houston Rockets superstar Charles Barkley in the first round of the St. Olaf College presidential draft.

In addition to being a member of the Olympic Dream Team, Barkley also achieved international renown when he saved Tokyo from Godzilla in 1992. Such a hero could be a real boost to St. Olaf College’s national image, much as Jesse Ventura was for Minnesota and as Arnold Schwarzenegger is for California. Wait a minute, wow, I’m not sure that Mr. Barkley is ELCA-certified. In that case, we may have to forgo the NBA theme.

But another shrewd presidential selection would be Albert Gore, the 45th vice president and a man who was once the next president of the United States. He is also rich and influential, and since he turned down Harvard’s presidential bid, he is now a free agent in the presidential draft. Mr. Gore would suit St. Olaf College well, being a devout born-again Christian and a Baptist of impeccable … oh … never mind.

Well, if we can’t beat the religious connection, we may as well join it. The most prominent Lutheran I know other than Martin Luther himself is former Saturday Night Live member and “Wayne’s World” star Dana Carvey. Carvey is a shrewd businessman, starting from humble Montana roots to gain international stardom. His religious side shines through in his role as the Church Lady, a position he would most assuredly resume upon the acceptance of a Lutheran presidential post. “Mmm, Satan?” Ha, kills me every time.

But wait, Steve Jobs is Lutheran! Oh, talk about rich and powerful, this guy’s taking over. We could get every St. Olaf student a reduced rate on Apple products and maybe they would quit stealing each other’s iPods. We could finally connect the campus wirelessly and give every student a complimentary armband so we could all look extra cool running around the track down at Tostrud.

Or, oh my gosh, John Woo, John Woo is Lutheran too! We could get high profile actors to visit St. Olaf, speaking on behalf of things we care about such as social justice and sustainability, and getting their opinions on politics and the war in Iraq, tactics which worked wonders for the Democrats in 2004.

Ooh-ooh, or John “Cougar” Mellencamp! Those songs “Jack and Diane” and “Small Town” are so good.

Come to think of it, I have no idea who our next president should be. I liked Jesse Jackson’s speech a lot. Jesse Jackson should be our next president. Baptist, Lutheran, close enough, right? We’ll just update the corporate charter to ELBA membership, and Al Gore can be Jesse’s vice president. I’m sure he’d like that.

Staff writer Jared Wall is a senior from Sioux Falls, S.D. He majors in English with a concentration in Middle East studies.





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