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ISSUE 119 VOL 19 PUBLISHED 5/5/2006

Sex on the Hill: The elusive male orNOTgasm

By Paul Dillon
Student Columnist

Friday, May 5, 2006

The male orgasm is a mixed blessing. Men rarely, if ever, achieve multiple orgasms. We often perform with the stamina of a Puritan preacher on his wedding-night. Our organs lack anything like the pleasure-packed density of clitoral nerve fibers. In short, the male orgasm kinda sucks.

Yet despite its many shortcomings, the male orgasm benefits from one thing notably absent from most female orgasms: visibility. Men are rarely asked, “Are you done yet?” Our orgasms, though elusive for the Bob Doles among us (the male banana needs a little boost sometimes), can at least make themselves known.

They scream and stomp and parade their little milky firework displays around, expecting us to stop and watch their gametes do the breast stroke in their little pools of white Jell-o. Whether or not anyone else cares to see it, the spectacle is hard to miss.

Because of the usually obvious nature of the male orgasm, the possibility that a man can “fake it” is largely ignored. Our discussions of faux moans focus exclusively on the feminine brand of acting.

Thanks to our little friend, the condom, men can indeed fake orgasms (though with questionable success), and still achieve the same awkward long-term consequences female faking produces.

And hey, that's just one more reason to have safer sex. A condom not only helps prevent STDs and STIs, but it helps you lie to your partner, as you desperately hope the truth never comes to light! Pretty awesome, huh?

OK, so, since I just mentioned that the male orgasm is a big to-do, I should probably explain how it can be faked. Well, with curled toes and breathy moans and pretty thrusts all in a row. Just hold the release. Sad times, you say. I agree. But, it happens, or is at least attempted.

To disguise the evidence of a not-quite-extant orgasm, an opaque condom is an especially effective concealer for your juiceless squeals. Yet even a translucent condom may produce a successful masquerade, as the lubes and pre-ejaculatory fluids present in any latex tube can still easily be mistaken for success in operation orgasm.

To complicate things further, the production of ejaculate does not always correspond to an orgasm. Just because he splooges doesn't really mean he scores. Likewise, men can feel an orgasm without releasing any fluids.

Men may fake it for a variety of reasons. Most often, they do it because they're losing their erection. The loss of erection during intercourse is fairly common and should not be embarrassing to either partner.

A man is no less virile and his partner no less attractive simply because, for whatever biological reason, his blood decides to take a break from inflating his member. Yet because of the stigma surrounding such an event, a man may quickly moan and proclaim his partner's sexual mastery instead of just admitting his temporary phallic deflation.

Men also may fake orgasms when their partners exhibit pain during penetration. While the logical course of action in such a situation would simply be to pull out (duh), some men think that they should pretend to finish off, so their partner doesn't feel bad. Tremendous thinking, folks.

For both men and women tempted to fake an orgasm, regardless of your reasons, please remind yourselves of the golden rule: Fake unto others as you would have them fake unto you. Would you want to be the recipient of an Oscar-winning series of pleasureless moans? Most of us can accept the fact that sex doesn't always result in orgasm and would prefer our partner's honesty.

Moreover, if you ever sleep with this partner again, your faked orgasm will simply skew your partner's perception of what gets you going. Since you had faked a moan while they accidentally slurped your right eyelid, they will continue to slurp your right eyelid for the rest of your relationship every time they wanna get you off. Grand.

In conclusion, faked orgasms are generally only useful in speeding up bad sex with a partner you know you'll never see again. Instead of faking with your partner, be honest. Let them know that you're losing your erection or whatever your reason is for not getting off. They'll probably just be happy you were comfortable telling them.

Plus, if you don't treat it like a big deal, neither will they. At least you'll be able to have bad sex in peace.

If you have any comments or ideas for Paul, please write to

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