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ISSUE 120 VOL 3 PUBLISHED 10/6/2006

Sex on the Hill: Paris Hilton's weight loss secret

By Paul Dillon
Student Columnist


Friday, October 6, 2006

Many of us start off the new school year with resolutions to get back in shape. After summers spent at camps, parties and in our parents' kitchens, the ready availability of vegetables and exercise machines on campus promises us a place to clean out our arterial piping.

So when we return to the Hill, some of us develop desperate plans to get back to our birth weights, praying we might fit into our old My-Size Barbie's wedding gown when the Big Day finally comes. Others are fine with whatever body shape we might have, but do want to keep our hearts healthy with a little exercise.

While the semester may begin with daily three-hour communions with the elliptical machines in Tostrud, many of us are quickly torn away from such sweaty rendezvous by Facebook, AIM, drinking (off campus, of course), extracurriculars, real human friends and sometimes even academics.

Though we are understandably busied by the need to check our P.O. boxes for the 37th time each day, such important tasks too often take priority over the maintenance of our valuable cardiovascular health. We start off the semester at the salad bar and end up with trays full of greasy hotdish and lemon bars. So, before we resign ourselves to the freshmen (or any year) fifteen, twenty or thirty at the expense of our arteries, let's explore another way we can get our hearts going and keep ourselves a little bit healthier: getting off.

First, a disclaimer: obviously, not all ways of getting off are terribly healthy. My condolences to those of us with spinach fetishes, who may need to lay off their intimacy with the leaves for a while, as a nudie romp with the E. Coli virus recently found in spinach might leave them (no pun intended) feeling a little under the weather. Likewise, unprotected sex, lofted bed gymnastics and any kind of Mohn elevator sex can be downright dangerous.

Scientists disagree on how many calories we burn in different positions, but they do agree that sex can decrease blood pressure, increase muscle tone and work the cardiovascular system. While sex with a partner is more likely to work your whole body and get your cardio really going, intense masturbation can also be a good way to get your heart rate up and your blood flowing.

According to the British National Health Services, regular sexual activity may even help prevent heart disease. One recent study followed several thousand middle aged men in Wales for 10 years and found that those who were sexually active had less than half the risk of heart attack of those who were not sexually active.

Moreover, regular sex can stimulate immune system cells, produce endorphins and boost your levels of testosterone and estrogen.

So, you want to sexercise? Make sure you warm yourself up a little bit beforehand. Do a few pelvic lunges or maybe some kegels. You may also want to start training before you really go at it with your lover. You might try masturbating while running in place.

If you and/or your lover are getting a little lazy, perhaps some bedroom calisthenics are in order. Have a fetish for the armed forces? Try bringing in some drills into your sex life. Ever done jumping jackoffs? What about push-ups and ins? Clean and jerk-offs are a definite possibility. Just make sure your partner's angled so that he or she can reach your tender places as he or she is suspended above your head.

If you get really desperate, try attaching some free weights to you and your lover’s arms and legs with velcro. Then, do your business as usual. That should supplement your regular routine, and maybe even save you your next trip to the gym.

Just make sure you don't get ahead of yourself. Use plenty of lube, but not enough that your partner will slip out of your arms, slide across a bed and crash through a window or sheet of drywall. That might be a little excessive.

If you're not sexually active now, and if you don't even masturbate, don't start because of this article. You should probably just go to the gym for your exercise. However, studies also show that increased exercise correlates positively with an increased sex drive. So maybe you'll work your way up to the sexercise.

Sex-related comments, questions and/or suggestions can be e-mailed to sexcolumnist@stolaf.edu





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