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ISSUE 115 VOL 19 PUBLISHED 4/26/2002

The Procrastination Station

By Anonymous
Contributing Writer

Friday, April 26, 2002

Why is it that warm weather equals short attention spans? Is it the distracting amount of skin that is revealed? Is it the dizziness induced by dehydration that drains all desire to produce? Is it the blinding sun, as bright as our futures yet more glaring and more demanding of our attention? Or is that sun so bright because it's reflecting off the snow?!?! Whatever fluctuating weather system it is that causes this flighty phenomenon, we've definitely seen it set off some changes in the last week or so. People are smiling more, looking cuter, and feeling more in touch with the grass in front of their dorms. And I'm all for it. The cure for spring fever is not aspirin, but aspiration. In order to encourage more slackers to do less, I've searched for ways  old, new, untested, tried, true, etc.  to help you, too, become happily distracted by the great blue yonder. 1. “Spend the afternoon. You can’t take it with you.” Take Annie Dillard’s advice and GO OUTSIDE. 2. Play Frisbee. 3. Steal Frisbees. Practice running quickly and/or taking a fist to the face with grace. 4. Play Disc Golf. 5. Hit tennis balls on the tennis courts. 6. Hit tennis balls with golf clubs across campus. 7. “Do, or do not. There is no try.” Follow Yoda and become a Jedi. 8. Climb a tree. Put $150 in your pocket for pesky fines. 9. Be a tree. Carry pepper spray in case someone tries to climb you. 10. “As the poet said, only God can make a tree. Probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.” Watch a Woody Allen film outside with the help of all your neighbors’ extension cords. 11. Gawk. a. Wear dark glasses and a hat to be incognito. b. Carry pepper spray if on the receiving end too much. 12. “Each little flower that opens, each little bird that sings, He made their glowing colors, He made their tiny wings.” Praise the Lord, says Matthew. 13. Go for a walk. 14. Go for a run. 15. Go away. 16. “The sky is blue, the grass is green, it's a great day to be alive.” In honor of a deceased St. Olaf coach, watch grass grow. 17. Count the blades of grass on Mellby Lawn. 18. Make your own version of The Gap’s Grass perfume with some grass (duh), some water, a spray bottle, and the powerful rays of the sun. a. Test it out on people for free opinions on your success rate. b. Carry pepper spray for faux Grass retaliation if on receiving end too much. 17. Eat grass. 18. “80 percent of success is just showing up.” Use Woody Allen’s wisdom to convince your profs to take class outside in order to increase attendance incentive. 19. Paint your toenails while lounging on a blanket and gossiping about boys and trips to Colorado. 20. “There is no point at which you can say, ‘Well, I'm successful now. I might as well take a nap.’” Be more optimistic than Carrie Fisher and fall asleep in the sun. Wear sunscreen. 21. Make a Target run. Pick up sunscreen for tomorrow and aloe vera for yesterday. 22. Take deep breaths. 23. Take a hike. 24. Take a bike ride. a. Take it on a bike that someone forgot to lock up. b. Return it when you're done. 25. Organize a synchronized swimming team. a. Practice on Buntrock Plaza. b. Run back to Target for a sprinkler for added realism. 26. “I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day.” Listen to some Sinatra as you stroll to Carleton. 27. “Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That'll teach you to keep your mouth shut.” Have a follow-through like Ernest Hemmingway and cut your hair into a mullet. Do it outside to minimize mess and simultaneously entertain others. 28. Make fun of yourself when you run around doing stupid things outside. “The most wasted of all days is one without laughter.” Amen, e.e.cummings.

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