Instead of sending more troops to battle, I propose we offer the Great American Sacrifice to our God.
I propose we offer Britney Spears.
We are, indeed, one nation under one God. And we are, indeed, a nation that spends 98 percent of its budget on defense.
There are no coupons for weapons of mass destruction. Perhaps to save on our military accessories, we should try another tactic.
If we aren't already the world's shrewdest advertisement for New Age Baptism, then we should make a grand gesture to our one and only God. Let's appease that God over our one nation. Let's make some sacrifices.
Perhaps if we shed the blood of one, God would protect our shores, protect our phones, protect our families and protect our homes.
Only the American nose can rise with the same grace as the ancient Roman nose. At one point, the Romans prided themselves on their human blood record. They did not practice human sacrifice like those dastardly Druids Carthaginians, Jews and Christians.
However, in one rare case, the Romans hacked up a few folks and offered them to the gods. The hope being the gods would then protect the grand old city of Rome and, by extension, the grand old Roman society.
The Romans had a heck of a time (you know, before their culture imploded).
I'm saying we should make an attempt to preserve the good times and to make our society's suicide as quick and easy as possible.
Let's guillotine the crap out of it.
But we are Americans, so the last appropriate thing would be to copy the French, especially since the French copied the American Revolution (and the guillotine).
We must make our human sacrifice in the most American of ways.
Barbecue Britney. Roast her for Thanksgiving Dinner.
Britney is definitely the most impressive candidate. She is the most American American. She epitomizes the American dream.
She created herself from nothing, pulling herself up by her bra straps. When her career didn't initially boom, she made bigger her boom-booms and her boom followed. She then denied it. The beauty of the American denial.
By denying that a white coat ever approached her breasts with a scalpel, she feeds the debate. And on the debate goes, carrying her career along.
The strategy of every seasoned American harlot; boost your image by flaunting your virginity.
By beginning as a virgin in the first place, Britney secured one small, but dedicated demographic: the teenybopper.
Then, the switch from innocent to indulgent secured the "horny," the largest demographic in our society.
Additionally, Brit promised to be a "slave for us," thus interesting a subgroup of the "horny," the "bondage lovers."
Who cares if she's too young? Besides, back then, she was "stronger than yesterday." Imagine the whips she could wield.
Britney was part of the one great American love story. She fell for the bad boy and failed miserably. K-Fed's pit-stained wife-beaters and glittering baubles indubitably classify him as one of the great American bad boys of the Kid Rock variety.
Brit did indeed fall for Fed's poser gangsta chivalry, and they did indeed have two slightly attractive children, with names longer than their penises will ever be. Sadly, but as expected, the marriage ended.
Britney's saga continues, celebrating the American art of not only prenuptial agreement-focused divorce, but of the customary custody battle. Apparently, she deserves to raise her children despite the recent episodes of irrationality and irresponsibility: shearing her dye-rotted locks, bailing on rehab, driving with babies on her lap, firing her body guard because he forgot her hat and hitting and running.
She could spend up to a year in prison. But, as every American understands, a point made legally is a point won.
Finally, the notion of the "Big Britney Comeback" emulates the American plight to re-evaluate identity and persevere.
Unfortunately, the musical comeback didn't seem to suit our little girl. Perhaps we could offer her another comeback: a historical comeback, as the martyr of the great American people.
Families all over the nation would sit around the Thanksgiving table, passing plates of painted toe-nails, jeweled bras morphed into candy corn dishes, silicone gelatin garnished with belly rings, buttered cornrows on the cob (Fed-Ex's donation), braided hair extensions baked into braided bread and seminal residue gravy for dipping and pouring.
Little Jimmy gets her robust cinnamon buns. Little Katie gets the lips from her mouth with her own plate of gravy. Nick and Carrie snap the matching jeweled thong, each hoping to get the side with the g-string, all the while Papa George roasts Britney's sizzling body on a spit burning over applewood logs.
All the children chant: "Gimme, gimme more. Gimme, gimme more!"
Kelin Loe '08 is from Highlands Ranch, Colo. She majors in English and Asian Studies with a Chinese concentration.