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ISSUE 121 VOL 2 PUBLISHED 9/28/2007

Sex on the Hill: The Queef

By Katherine Oyster
Contributing Writer

Friday, September 28, 2007

Picture this: you are having sex with your lover. You both are really into the moment and having a great time, when all of a sudden you hear a noise. It definitely came from one of you, it resembled a flatulent sound, but you are pretty sure that it did not originate from that far back, and no smell escaped - just sound.

You both freeze and stare at each other, trying to decipher the look on the other's face. Do you keep going? Do you stop? Do you laugh it off? Better decide soon, or Mother Nature will decide for you.

This moment is brought to you by queefage, a rather common occurrence that can make a couple burst out laughing or possibly even stop out of mortification. A queef, or flatus vaginalis (vaginal flatulence) to the clinical folks, is the escaping of air from the vagina generally during or just after sexual intercourse. The sound resembles a fart, but physiologically is nothing like one - no waste gases are released and no smell should accompany the queef. It is also quite common; most women have or probably will experience a queef in their sexual lifetime.

These factoids might be reassuring to read, but hearing the telltale "squeak" of a queef during sex can still make for an incredibly awkward moment. You and your partner might try and determine whose "fault" the noise was, and perhaps change positions to try and make the noise not happen again. A resounding "what was that?" is at least commonplace, if not a required reaction to the noise heard 'round the bed (or whatever other surface on which you might be boinking).

My advice? Laugh it off and keep going. No one person is at fault for the queef, and placing blame on one partner or the other can be kind of a mood killer. Leaving a perfectly acceptable sex session in the dust because of a queef is like leaving a killer party early because the DJ played one song you don't like. Sex is supposed to be fun and, yes, even occasionally funny. Let's face it - most of us still haven't completely grown out of the "bodily functions are funny" stage of maturity (do we ever?). So the moof is musical tonight; why not enjoy it and play that funky music all the way to O-town?

While queefs are most common during and after sexual intercourse, they are not limited to such occasions. They can happen during other sex acts, too, although it is more rare. An acquaintance told me about a friend of hers that regularly queefed when receiving oral sex. If this happens, it might be one of those situations to chat about with your partner. While queefs in themselves are not bad, facial proximity to a queef might push even the most sexually open person out of his or her comfort zone. If one or both partners are uncomfortable with the prospect of a queef in the face, you might want to come up with compromises or trades that would either lessen the chance of a close queef or would make an occasional one in the face worthwhile. What is a queef worth? I'll let you decide.

Queefs can also happen during exercise - another friend told me that she sometimes queefs during yoga. That noise you heard when you switched out of downward-facing dog? Probably not bones creaking like she said it was.

If you personally like queefs, bravo for you! However, a word to the wise: never try to make one happen by blowing into the vagina. Ironically, too much air "down there" can cause an air embolism and actually cause death in women. Don't try and blow your lady friend up like a balloon; along with probably not liking it too much, it poses very real health risks. You might find queefs cool, but they aren't worth killing for.

Basically, queefs happen when the vagina takes in and expresses air - when it is excited, mobile or occupied. It is a natural physiological occurrence that should not try to be suppressed or stigmatized. If you can learn to rise above any discomfort you might have about queefs, they might just become the cherry on your sexy, sexy sundae. I guess all I am saying is: give queefs a chance.

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